I discovered last Wednesday that music
criticism is a lot easier when I’m tired and angry; or at least
from my viewpoint, in that I don’t know a lot about music in the
first place.
The other night, taking advantage of
the MWR WIFI after a very long day, I pulled up Pandora on my laptop
and connected to my Classical Christmas station.
My tastes in Christmas music have grown
specific over the years. I’ve gone from listening to everything; to
blowing off Rudolf and his ilk and listening to the “mature stuff;”
to now listening only to the religious stuff.
I have several reasons. For one, I grew
up in church choirs, and the big sacred event spectacular every year
was the Christmas Eve service.
More than that, the secular Christmas
music out there has been done to death by the commercial need to
produce non-offensive music by non-offensive pop artists year after
year after year.
All Christmas “carols” from 1970 on
fall in three categories: “I want Christmas Luvin’ for Me*”,
“Isn’t Christmas Totally Awesome in a Very Non-Specific Way that
Differs for Everybody, Regardless of Belief, Unless this Happens to
Offend You?**” and “You Bastards***.” And none of it does
anything for me.
There’s also the Christmas pop music
from the 50s and 60s, which was probably enjoyable for the times when
it was produced, that really doesn’t make sense to sing today. This
hit me last year, when the radio station was playing another version
of “Christmas Eve in My Home Town” by some artist I vaguely knew.
The song made sense in the 50s, when hometowns were generally not
suburbs and people generally went shopping near the “square.”
This has not been the case in America -- and the song is distinctly
American -- since the 70s.
So, I was listening to classical stuff,
with choirs and orchestras. Pandora started with the Alleluia Chorus,
and followed it up with the Alleluia Chorus, and then turned its
attention to the Alleluia Chorus. (Good Lord their algorithm blows
sometimes.) After I few more bits, and repeats, I finally YouTubed
the song that had been in my head since Dec. 1 – “Bring a Torch
Jeanette Isabelle.” And here’s where my bad mood paid off with a
very small bit of insight.
YouTube pulled up about 500 versions of
the song, but at the top of the list were versions by Manshiem
Steamroller and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. The insight: It’s
possible to ruin a classic piece by accident, solely by arrangement.
“Bring a Torch” is a subtle piece that needs a small group of
singers and precise, soft instrumentation.
The Tabernacle Choir decided to tackle
it with about 500 female voices and a thrumming instrumental version,
and added a parade of about 200 “Jeanette Isabelle’s, all
awkwardly carrying a torch. This was a sledgehammer opening the lock
on a music box. I became more angry as I listened, the music getting
louder and more frenzied, as if the women in the choir were part of
mob, urging on the 200 “Jeanette Isabelles” to go take care of
the “Jeanette Isabelle” that drew the black stone this year.
Finally, I gave up and clicked on the
Manheim Steamroller version. I’m familiar with the piece, as the
album was cycled repeatedly in my house growing up.
And it hit a sweet spot. The
arrangement is quiet, slow. I wanted voices, but the different
instruments playing different verses caught the point of a song -- A
remembrance of a small but passionate seasonal celebration in a
peaceful town.
That was enough for the time being, and
I went home for sleep. It hit me later that the sweet spot is getting
smaller each year.
*“All I want for Christmas is You.”
The song uses the season of good will towards men and peace on earth
as a launching pad for one girl to go on and on about her case of the
hots. It was a decent piece of music the first 15 years I heard it.
“Last Christmas” is a far inferior piece, but I have to admit it
I like it more, simply because it reminds me of the tragedy that is
George Michael’s life, which makes me laugh.
** “Simply Having a Wonderful
Christmastime.” A bland piece with digital music effects that
don’t stand the test of time, even though it’s played four or
eight times an hour on your local X-mas station.
*** “Do They Know It’s
Christmastime” or “War is Over.” One is ignorant as well as
preachy, the other has Yoko singing.
