Thinking harshly on carols

I discovered last Wednesday that music criticism is a lot easier when I’m tired and angry; or at least from my viewpoint, in that I don’t know a lot about music in the first place.

The other night, taking advantage of the MWR WIFI after a very long day, I pulled up Pandora on my laptop and connected to my Classical Christmas station.

My tastes in Christmas music have grown specific over the years. I’ve gone from listening to everything; to blowing off Rudolf and his ilk and listening to the “mature stuff;” to now listening only to the religious stuff.

I have several reasons. For one, I grew up in church choirs, and the big sacred event spectacular every year was the Christmas Eve service.

More than that, the secular Christmas music out there has been done to death by the commercial need to produce non-offensive music by non-offensive pop artists year after year after year.

All Christmas “carols” from 1970 on fall in three categories: “I want Christmas Luvin’ for Me*”, “Isn’t Christmas Totally Awesome in a Very Non-Specific Way that Differs for Everybody, Regardless of Belief, Unless this Happens to Offend You?**” and “You Bastards***.” And none of it does anything for me.

There’s also the Christmas pop music from the 50s and 60s, which was probably enjoyable for the times when it was produced, that really doesn’t make sense to sing today. This hit me last year, when the radio station was playing another version of “Christmas Eve in My Home Town” by some artist I vaguely knew. The song made sense in the 50s, when hometowns were generally not suburbs and people generally went shopping near the “square.” This has not been the case in America -- and the song is distinctly American -- since the 70s.

So, I was listening to classical stuff, with choirs and orchestras. Pandora started with the Alleluia Chorus, and followed it up with the Alleluia Chorus, and then turned its attention to the Alleluia Chorus. (Good Lord their algorithm blows sometimes.) After I few more bits, and repeats, I finally YouTubed the song that had been in my head since Dec. 1 – “Bring a Torch Jeanette Isabelle.” And here’s where my bad mood paid off with a very small bit of insight.

YouTube pulled up about 500 versions of the song, but at the top of the list were versions by Manshiem Steamroller and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. The insight: It’s possible to ruin a classic piece by accident, solely by arrangement. “Bring a Torch” is a subtle piece that needs a small group of singers and precise, soft instrumentation.

The Tabernacle Choir decided to tackle it with about 500 female voices and a thrumming instrumental version, and added a parade of about 200 “Jeanette Isabelle’s, all awkwardly carrying a torch. This was a sledgehammer opening the lock on a music box. I became more angry as I listened, the music getting louder and more frenzied, as if the women in the choir were part of mob, urging on the 200 “Jeanette Isabelles” to go take care of the “Jeanette Isabelle” that drew the black stone this year.

Finally, I gave up and clicked on the Manheim Steamroller version. I’m familiar with the piece, as the album was cycled repeatedly in my house growing up.

And it hit a sweet spot. The arrangement is quiet, slow. I wanted voices, but the different instruments playing different verses caught the point of a song -- A remembrance of a small but passionate seasonal celebration in a peaceful town.

That was enough for the time being, and I went home for sleep. It hit me later that the sweet spot is getting smaller each year.

*“All I want for Christmas is You.” The song uses the season of good will towards men and peace on earth as a launching pad for one girl to go on and on about her case of the hots. It was a decent piece of music the first 15 years I heard it. “Last Christmas” is a far inferior piece, but I have to admit it I like it more, simply because it reminds me of the tragedy that is George Michael’s life, which makes me laugh.

** “Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime.” A bland piece with digital music effects that don’t stand the test of time, even though it’s played four or eight times an hour on your local X-mas station.

*** “Do They Know It’s Christmastime” or “War is Over.” One is ignorant as well as preachy, the other has Yoko singing.