Kevin Nealon -- Not funny

Kevin Nealon:

Not funny.

Kevin Nealon:

Easily the worst news anchor Saturday Night Live ever had.

Kevin Nealon, SNL anchor:

Stumbled his way through newscast like a junior high illiterate. Half of his jokes were bits just thrown into some lame social commentary he was making. Punchlines would hit audience like a jello balloon into a brick wall and splatter into awkward silence.

Kevin Nealon:

My theory is he's trying to pull off the Fred Williard "funny-because-he's-so-unfunny" bit, but fails because he isn't aware he is.

Kevin Nealon:

His best character was "Mr. Subliminal," which shows just how lame his career has been. (Hans and Frans were funny because of Dana Carvey.)

Kevin Nealon:

Appearing on "Weeds." Won't be funny.

Longhorns I have known

Saw the news this weekend that Mack Brown has picked Colt McCoy over Jevan Snead to QB the Longhorns this season. Or at least the first game. Mack tends to have a difficulty keeping his mind made up in these situations.

Anyway, considering that I only care about what UT is doing for 1/12th of the season, this story caught my notice. I saw both McCoy and Snead play in high school.

In both instances I was stringing for the Reporter-News. I watched McCoy play as a sophomore and Snead play as a senior. And, not to throw in an "I knew it" kind of post, but I guessed McCoy would get the job (first).

McCoy played more with his head, and already had a great throwing form three years ago. Snead, taller, tends to play more reactionary. But I'm not declaring myself an expert. They played completely different offensive schemes.

What really made me pick McCoy, though, was Snead's overwhelming blondness. I'm thinking UT might still be a little gunshy on that.

The Nuptials: Overheard, said or thought

*

Agreed! We're getting married in Bermuda.

Do you have anything more Lords of the Ringish?

Towels are much better than knives!

Let me, once again, point out the importance of beer.

YESYESYESYES! LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE! Now jump, again.

You could go to a gay bar with that look. And they wouldn't think you were gay.

No, I can't tell you why I love Santa Fe.

Because I don't want to think about Bill Clinton naked.

It's OK sweetheart, they already think I'm an idiot.

We don't have the logistics to bring a stripper to Hico.

Townes Van Zandt and ABBA on the same playlist ... wow.

Well ... we're not dead.

I can't believe you don't know them. She was one of my best friends in high school. (circa 1956)

It's 9 p.m. on our honeymoon. Time to sleep.

I suppose they'll come and get me. They can't start without the groom.

Wow, the big moment ... The bride looks great. We've got a big crowd. And here I am wearing a flaming pink tie. Such is love. Such is love.

*Sorry for the generic photo, I've been having trouble getting actual shots.

And (yawn, scratch, sigh) We're Back!

And that was fun. Just wanted to start by thanking everybody who came to the wedding, and say we missed you to those who couldn't make it. We understand the celebration went on for several hours after we left, which gave us both a feeling of satisfaction. Me and Meredith spent our honeymoon in New Mexico, primarily soaking in a natural hot tub, so it's going to be a vacation I need time to recover from.

I'll be posting pictures and writing about the wedding later, but for right now I'll just say that I can't decide which was my favorite part: Making the grand exit while carrying a black trash bag for luggage, or jumping up and down like fools while the photographer screamed "YES! YES! LOVE! LOVE! LOVE!"

Yep, that's what we wanted: A wedding that was understated, but classy.

Also, on a serious note: My Dad had a heart test on Thursday, which gave doctors enough concern that they went ahead with a triple bypass operation the same day. It was shocking and the most serious surgery my Dad has ever been through.

It went well, though, and the whole family was there for support. He's recovering well. I was able to talk to him briefly on Friday morning and his personality is already coming back. If anything, the operation was a blessing because it fixed some things that could have caused fatal problems at any moment. Please keep him in your thoughts, if you will.

And that's all for now, will write more later, if my wife gives me permission.

On vacation

Folks:
I'm now dropping any pretense of trying to post anything for the next week. It's unfortunate, because I have important things to say about Bon Jovi. Anyway, I need the time away for right now, so please come back next weekend. I love you all.

Diary melancholia

When I first moved out here I posted this picture with a lot of cheerleader-like enthusiasm:

This was going to be my big project, turning a junked house into a sweet state of the art bachelor pad with plumbing.

And since then, just about nothing has happened to it.

A couple of weekends ago, the family took junk we're cleaning out from another house for the wedding and put it what was to be my sweet bachelor pad. A picture of this house today looks basically the same, only the landscape is more brown from the heat. It's kind of a bookend to my time here in Hico.

And it's depressing.

Don't get me wrong, I'm looking forward to matrimony and stuff and it's still pretty unbelievable who I ended up with. Since my mind went into "Go" mode on marriage, there haven't been any second guesses as to where the time and money have to be spent.

But I hate seeing this project going to the end of a to-do list that now stretches way over the horizon, behind "get more dress shirts" and "put kids through college." I suppose I'll get back around to it sometime in my 60s. It'll still be sweet though.

Notes:

Camera: My buddy Todd has sent me a digital camera in the hopes that I'll use it to record the goings-on around here and make the blog a more vibrant, easy-to-read kind of place. He has done this by hacking into one of those "disposable" digital cameras you can buy at a store for $15. I'll have to add a cable or something. The hacking is the kind of project Todd enjoys. I recall this conversation when we were roommates in college:

Todd: I think I'm going to install hooks in the ceiling to hang my bike up.

Me: The ceiling is solid concrete.

Todd: So?

I'll add that Todd was not happy when I told him my first picture-taking goal would be to get a lot of photos of "all the bunnies." But they are so damned cute.

Mint?: I spent much of my awake time today going through the Cabela's catalog, looking for something that'd make a good gift for my wedding party dudes (I prefer "dudes" to "groomsmen and ushers", and it's damn sure going in the program as such). And I found nada. Sure, I could buy everyone the cheapest pocketknife they make, but I think I got a cheap pocketknife at a previous wedding, and I don't wanna do repeats.

I did however, find this:

This is a dish that keeps your dog's food warm. I was instantly reminded of the Will Farrell skit, "Teaching your dog obedience through the use of irony and angry sarcasm."

Farrell: Oh, is the food not warm enough for you? I'll be sure to tell the head waiter and lodge a complaint to the chef. Or maybe you can just eat it BECAUSE YOU'RE A F***ING DOG!

Oddly enough, they didn't have a dog water fountain that cools water. That's a freakin' necessity in Texas.

Horseshoes: The most dangerous game

Hmmmm... reminds me to get that horseshoe set for the farm. Didn't know I'd need disinfectant.

From the AP:

Man's Buttocks Impaled By Horseshoe Stake
NORTHAMPTON, Pa. -- Enjoying a relaxing 54th birthday in the yard, Mike Colwell went to move the sprinkler, backing up momentarily to avoid the spray, toward a horseshoe pit with a 1-inch-thick rusty steel stake.

“My two heels hit the back wall of the pit. The next thing I know, this thing just tore through me,” Colwell said. ...

Ghost stories

During the interview and later training session for my job at the home, I was warned, “This is a big building. It can make some weird noises at night.”

This went into a discussion about some of the things that could make weird noises: The air conditioner, the ice machine, foxes outside trying to get their grove on.

I didn’t think too much of it. The job is creepy enough: I see dementia. A medical industry that shoves as many pills down these people’s throats as possible. Old men eating pudding.

I didn’t need to add spectral beings to the list. I don’t believe in ghosts so much, but it’d be cool to see one, I’ve thought. So long as it wasn’t the ghost of a clown. That’d freak me out.

Anyway, I had heard that people had quit the graveyard shift before because the place can get scary. The building is full of antiques, there are some dark corners when you turn the lights off, and you never know when a resident is going to go stalking down the halls at 3 a.m. I did my best to get used to this, and it took about three months. The worst part at first was the combination of exhaustion and caffeine. Your brain gets jumpy and can’t focus well.

Still, after some time, I got to a point where I wasn’t really affected. Then people started telling stories. I guess they figured I wasn’t going to quit.

Maybe it’s just something I’m missing, but it seems that just about everyone around Hico says they’ve had an experience with a ghost. And, I’ve come to find out, most people who work with me have seen something on-the-job, usually while working my shift.

Everybody also has an opinion on the sightings: While the ghosts seem to be here, they don't last long as they don't want to stay.

Here’s a quick list of what I’ve heard:

The girl: The ghost of small child who reportedly runs up and down the halls playing. While several people have told me about this, I find it to be the most unbelievable. What would the ghost of girl be doing here? Was she just so hacked at mom and dad that she decided to haunt Memaw?

The whistler: Recently, while two employees where talking in the dining room, they heard someone whistle behind them. When they turned around, no one was there. They looked at each other, one went to look outside, saw nothing, while the other said that it had definitely come from inside. They shrugged this off as run of the mill and went back to work.

The guardian angel: While doing rounds one night, a staffer glanced out a window and then did a double take. Standing (or floating) outside of a resident’s room was some kind of figure, white and translucent. She said that it could only be described as an angel. It stood there for a bit and slowly faded away. It was discovered next morning that the resident in the room had passed during the night.

The reverend: A man who had been a preacher died quietly in his room one night, and the death was so gentle that he probably wasn’t aware of it, said the attendant who told me this story. For several weeks, his door would be open after being shut, lights would be on after being turned off. The staffer who told me about this said she eventually went to the old room and announced that it was time to go. She felt a breeze on her face and the incidents stopped.

The screamer: I can’t call this a ghost, but it is my experience, so I’m putting it in. After about a week of working, I was getting close to finishing my nightly setup in the dining room when I heard something out in the hall, I went outside and had just reached an intersection of two halls, when I heard this ungodly, full-throated scream of terror. I froze, looking down the hallway where I thought the sound came from. Nothing. I walked down the hall, listening at doorways to see if whoever had yelled was still making noise. Silence. I eventually gave up and went back to work. When the morning staff arrived, I told them about the experience. They reacted with, “Uh-huh, that’s interesting”, and let it go.

I’ve since learned that people in the early phases of Alzheimer’s can have horrific nightmares, and they often wake up unable to tell reality from their dream. On the other hand, people in the building who supposedly were suffering from the ailment were in a different location. I’ve heard the scream about two more times. I think it’s a resident, but it’s unnerving as hell.

Stupid lyrics I

Say that you are dating a sweet young thang who is also a budding musician in the Amarillo area. Say that your sweet young thang has decided that you can't connect with her because of your troubled past.

Now, say that she comes to this conclusion at the same time she has decided to go west and take a shot at a serious music career.

So she breaks up with you. Your response?

Well, according to Miranda Lambert's "New Strings," it's:

"You'll never get too far with a tank of gas and an empty heart!"

Really? What the hell kind of artsy cowboy poofball was this girl dating in Amarillo? Bitch breaks his heart and he starts talking about her gas tank?

Plenty of women have broken up with me to go "find themselves"*, and I've reacted with anger, befuddlement, or a pathetic playing of the nice guy. But I've never broken out with an incoherent metaphor about the impending failure of her career choice.

Stupid lyrics.

*As in, "I done found myself a taller man with a huuuge wallet."

NOTE:
Some of you may have noticed that I haven't been adding much lately. That'll probably go on for a while, as I'm getting close to zero hour on the wedding, and I'm spending most of my spare time attempting to get into decent shape. And get a better score on EA NCAA Football. God I miss football. Regardless, I will be adding some more stuff soon, as some ideas are sucking up headspace.