Bad ways to begin a job application cover letter

(As if it’s been on my mind lately or something)

• "AWESOME!" That’s what you will say when you read my experience summary.

  Let me begin by referring to my favorite Dukes of Hazard episode ...

  Dear Mr(s). XXXXXX, I am interested in the position of (whatever) that I found while going through several thousand web sites during commercials breaks of "Tyra." She’s really looking good, lately.

  Sorry about the jelly stain.

  Orange flavored spots of tiny dynamite! Boom! Leprechaun aliens in blue space suits -- Duck little monkeys! Swim!

  Please insert accompanying DVD for a video introduction to me.