Celebrities I have known

Working for any newspaper, you have the chance to meet famous people, usually as they run through on the dinner circuit or a book tour or whatever.

Don't know why this was on my mind today, but I was trying to mentally put together a list of the celebrities I've had a chance to talk to. It's far from impressive -- I never covered entertainment and otherwise didn't seek these assignments out. I've also deleted the marginally famous through my own forgetfulness. But here's what I got:

Julia Child: Yep, the first celebrity I ever interviewed. She was old, tall and energetic. She remains one of my favorites because she was very personable and friendly, while making no bones about the fact that she was sick to death of the book tour business. She was in a Coppell store for the release of her last cookbook. She stopped signing autographs when I asked her if she got bored doing it. She looked at me, and -- sounding just like Julia Child -- said, "Yes, it does become somewhat tiring to you ..." and then went on a five-minute spiel about how she'd rather be doing something else. Her aide chased me out of the store.

Mary Lou Retton: Remember her for two things -- Mary Lou's cuteness, and the other reporters being idiots. She was speaking for some kind of help the sick child thing, and the organizers had set up a session with the media beforehand. I never have been impressed with the looks of olympic-level female gymnasts. The overdeveloped muscles and the stunted development of everything else makes them look like the toughest Oompah-Loompahs on the block. But she came in and was quite the tiny little hottie. She also displayed a great deal of patience. One cameraman picked up his cell phone and starting bitching out somebody for making him cover "this stupid fu-- event," midway during the interview. Another guy was so enamored with Mary Lou that his questions made everyone else cringe. It was straight off the old SNL Chris Farley Show. "Do you remember all those medals you won in 1984? How many did you win? Was that awesome?" And on and on and on ...

Barbara Bush (The elder): Never got to talk to her, but have been forced to cover three dinners where she's been the featured speaker. The routine is that the reporters at the event are given extremely stern warnings to not approach Barbs. They are usually seated in the back corner of the room, and then have to attempt to come up with a story while the Former First Lady goes through her schtick -- 15 minutes of making fun of her husband, five minutes of blathering universal platitudes about whatever charity that's hired her to speak.

Gov. Rick Perry: Doesn't like reporters.

Tom Landry: He was at the dedication for "Tom Landry Elementary*" in Irving. (Or Valley Ranch. It doesn't matter.) This is about as close to hero worship I've ever got. I don't remember what I asked, I don't remember what he answered. Mainly I just remember the look on his face: The ceremony had included an elementary-age show choir dancing to some P.C. nightmare of a school song about how we all love each other even though we're different. Five different school administrators thanked about 187 people that "Really followed Tom Landry's example." And, me interviewing him. I could not get any coherent questions to come out of my mouth. His expression -- Tom Landry stood there, smiling, obviously thinking this was all rather foolish, but, being Tom Landry, never saying so.

* "King of the Hill" later came out with Tom Landry Middle School and also made several references to "Cow Bingo", another thing I wrote about. To this day I believe Mike Judge was reading my stuff. I don't have a lot of things to believe in, so don't spoil it for me.

Back on

Sorry, but I was out because of malfunctioning modem for a day. I realize that no one probably noticed, as I skip days, weeks, all the time. I fixed the problem by turning the modem off. Then turning it back on.

Me and jibi will get right back to posting music videos that anybody with two seconds on their hands can find. I'm afraid that they've run out of The Outfield, tho.

I, cook

When I was at Central Market slinging pizzas, my supervisor was from New York. Not a pleasant dude. He spent most days threatening to quit, complaining about his co-workers, leaving work early and incompentently flirting with the female staff members.

But, he could make a damn good pizza. In a mix of Obi-Wan Kenobe and George Costanza, he imparted a certain amount of this wisdom to me.

A thought hit me when I was working in the kitchen. I saw people cutting stuff. Then they'd add spices, then they'd heat it. "Damn," the thought said, "This crap's easy."

So, I've gotten more and more into cooking as the months have gone by. Coffee cake. Beef stroganoff. More breads. I'm working my way up to a chicken fried steak.

It's good for stress. And, my wife, while being an excellent cook, doesn't like to touch meat so much. So it's not like I had a lot of options.

"Stop eating meat?"

Like I said, I didn't have a lot options.

Monday

It's raining. I hear the noise the rain makes. Also the noise when it hits something, thereby making it wet.
Sometimes it thunders, making a sound. Then the dog barks. He adds to the sounds that I hear.
I know what I need for this funk:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ho7JLDS2zY (In this one, The Outfield wins the girl by stalking her with a music video. (Or do they???))
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmaRPPztdGo (Here, the Outfield shows their emotional sincerity by sweating and changing the basic laws of astrophysics.)
Jeremy noted that I committed a sacrilege by leaving these out of my original Outfield post, but I wanted to save the heavy hitters for later.

The Dark Side of the bad thing

Just a note afore the weekend.

The MSN home site currently has up with its news offerings a story about the current situation in housing finance. (Next to the usual celebrities dress ugly, celebrities cheat, celebrities accrue municipal bond interest stories.)

The headline reads, "The Dark Side of the Mortgage Crisis."

I gotta say, no one has yet covered the bright side of the mortgage crisis. Think of it. Evil men in bad suits smiling as they kick the huddled masses yearning to breathe free out of their overpriced one-bedroom starter homes. Laughing in glee at the death of another American dream. Tell me their story instead of bringing me down, Microsoft Network.

The joker's always smiling

Jeremy sent me this link on unintentionally funny comics. Worth the look.

Of interest in Abilene

Just got a note that the Abilene Reporter-news is offering buyouts to the older people in the newsroom.
Tough times in me old stomping grounds. Also in San Angelo and Wichita Falls, apparently.

I can't believe, the things that happen to me ...

You don't want to click on any of these links. It's a view into animal so complex and disturbing, blah, blah, blah.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8re7PD5tOA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VpDkmWHIAQU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CgfSzuFD8rw

Some random thoughts after watching this:

• 80s fashion really has held up well.
• Why can't support musicians today smile like they are prancing about misty mountain meadows? It's music, have fun!
• The basic concept of a music video for a guys band: Show attractive lady walking around city with blank look on her face, occasionally switch back to picture of band playing. Some things never change.
• They were English? If Asia turns out to be English, I'm going to shoot myself.
• Has anyone else listened to The Edge (Dallas station) lately? It's 24 hours of suck.
• I always wondered what happened to the Outfield, and then I saw this video from 1989. Oh.

Sorry about the non-inbeds, couldn't get the thing to work. Maybe later.

I didn't start the fire. And I won't be putting it out.

Wow. I must congratulate myself on that title. It's Billy Joel.

The word came through today that I will not be part of the Fort Worth Fire Department. While I still think I could do the job, it's confirmation of what I expected.

A lot of you probably knew about this, either filling out a survey or being contacted as one of my former bosses. That part, as well as the rest of the background check, went really well. Things went wrong in the board interview, the final step of the process.

I showed up thinking I had an honest chance, but it soon became apparent they thought that:

• I was too inexperienced.
• I was too old.
• I was too obsessed with '80s group "The Outfield."

The application process was a lot of work, and it was a job I'd have loved. On the other hand, I'd have felt like slime for taking the job I currently have and then dropping it immediately.

Thanks to everyone who helped out. It was great that a lot of folks out there filled out surveys. Here's my favorite answer, from Todd:

*Please list any hobbies or activities in which the applicant participates.

He plays role playing games heavily. He's got a ring with +18 dexterity and his own +3 damage Axe, so he can tear down some flaming walls if he needs to. Here's a link to a video that shows him shooting lightening-bolts in a live action role playing game with his nerd buddies; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ufaBKdY60w . He also keeps a blog (newsfromhico.blogspot.com) where he shares his deepest and darkest secrets. He’s a little overzealous when it comes to Harry Potter, so DO NOT slander Harry Potter in this man’s presence. His left foot is 2 sizes larger than his right. He has irritable bowel syndrome in one of his ears. He’s infected others with Creutzveld-Jacobs-syndrome though he’s never contracted it himself. He keeps a gimp.

Missing the milk pirate's boat

I haven’t been connected to much of anything since I made the move Hico.
It's weird. Since coming back, and thanks to the fact that most of the people I now work with speak English, I keep hearing references to things that have been in the public mind for some time, but which were flying high over my balding head.
I used to take pride that I could miss entire pop cultural movements. Still.
Here's a smattering of some of the stuff I'm just catching up on:

• The “Bananas for my hands” video. Not really funny, but strange enough to stick in people’s heads. Apparently there’s a whole movement here. I’ve heard people repeating the phrase “Circle is square, square is circle.” And I’ve seen references to the Milk Pirate. Starkly unoriginal, but it is catchy.
• The fact that the most current non-cursing nickname for male genitalia is “Junk.”
• The “Dick in a Box” video on Saturday Night Live. Fairly self-explanatory. Spawned the …
• “Box in a Box” video. Which, besides being anatomically questionable, isn’t really that funny. The video on YouTube shows a girl whose only talent is to have her cleavage photographed in black and white. Turns out she lip-synched, as she explained while she was on Keith Olberman, who I hate.

All I want to do is see "300".

Sigh.

Another fearless prediction:

The now Eagle-less North Texas has made the NCAAs for the first time since before I went there, a long, long time ago.

So, how will they do? The Championship -- they won't win it.

P.S. I'm not spending any money on brackets this year. I'm hoping it'll provide weight when I have to argue to plop down $120 for fantasy football.

Notes:

Spent the weekend in Hico.

As I was driving up to the gate, I found it open. My face fell.

Arriving at a place where you were happily expecting to be alone -- with just yourself, your dogs, and the heavy, unbearable guilt that clouds every aspect of your life -- and then finding you have company is like having an ex pop by when you're drinking with buddies. (Let me tell you ... Eh, like hell I will).

Anyway, my sister and her family have been taking their spring break at the farm. They like to come down there and go crazy with projects -- killing cactus, cutting brush, picking up garbage.

My "projects" consist of taking the dogs swimming and burning stuff while intoxicated. I have no right to complain.

A reader asks:

So no predictions on how far Tech will make it in the big dance?

Unnnhhhh...

Tech has been so unpredictable this year, it's kinda tough to make any kind of reasonable guess, but I'll go ahead and give my thought process.

The Raiders of Red can either:

1. Play like they did during the high points of the year and make it into the sweet 16, or
2. Perform so badly that Bob Knight benches the entire team and plays himself -- using a zone defense that relies primarily on elbows and thrown chairs.

What will it be? This -- Tech goes out in the second round. Getting past the first round is enough to make me happy with this team.

Movies I watch so you don't have to: "A Scanner Darkly."
I expected: A science-fiction romp that played with my notions of reality.

I got: A meditation on drug addiction that pushed my limitations of muttered dialogue.

And another thing:
I don't get a lot of responses, and I feel a special kind of joy that makes my dog wag his tail out of empathy when I do.

Just do me one favor: Not that you have to, but consider coming up with some kind of handle that you can sign in with. I now have three people commenting: "Annonymous", "Annonymous Coward", and "Dave T." I'm happy that "Coward" came up with something to differentiate himself. Really, the rest of you can join in. It's not like you'd be leaving your actual name.

And even if you did, it's not like you have any chance of being discovered. The only people who see this site are the same eight people who have been here all along ... And, oh yeah, four dudes from China.

I don't know what that's about.

Welker leaves

So I work in a sports department, and don't notice this about my favorite football player for three days:

FOXBOROUGH, Mass. - The New England Patriots acquired wide receiver Wes Welker from the Miami Dolphins on Monday in exchange for undisclosed draft selection compensation. -- Patriots.com

Reaction: Miffed, I can no longer call the Dolphins my favorite team.
Second reaction: The Dolphins really are kind of a joke of a franchise, and Welker has a legitimate shot with the Patriots to win something. Hooray.
Third reaction: Where can I get me some undisclosed draft selection compensation?

Prediction:

The mullet will return within 18 months.

And the house across the street will be ground zero.

Aggies at Microsoft

Just read this on CNN:

REDMOND, Washington (Reuters) -- Lost in Seattle with nothing but a camera
phone? Just snap a picture of a nearby building, send off the photo to a database and soon you'll get back a map and information about where you are. ...
The map-search technology required Microsoft to get millions of street-level pictures of Seattle's buildings and landmarks. Those pictures were added to a database and indexed by distinguishing features that can be cross referenced to pictures sent in by users.

Uhhmm ... wouldn't a GPS thing in the phone work just as well? And not require millions of pictures to be taken?

Dumb women in the news

I got my fill of the whole Anna Nicole thing about a week ago. I'll occasionally see something on Britney that I'll laugh at, but, really, I have no plans to make myself an expert.

And, I'm willing to go out on a limb here and make this statement: The vast majority of women out there are not pop culture whores who would crawl over their dying mother to get the best angle for the pretty, pretty lights of the paparazzi flashing on the other side. I'm also relatively sure that most men agree with me.

At least one woman(Lynn Elber), who gets to comment on CNN, thinks that women should worry about their falling status:

The antics of wayward stars can make a sensible woman want a gender choice
other than "Female" to check on forms. For mothers of young girls, the
exaggerated value of celebrities and their wild-child escapades are a worrisome
trend.

She goes on to quote Bill Maher, who says that Hillary will not be elected until the day pop chicks decide the random naked crotch shot is a bad idea.

My first thought here was, does anyone take offense to someone making huge blanket statements that cover 50 percent of the world's population?

Secondly, does anyone out there apply the lessons they learned watching the "Anna Nicole" reality show to their own relationships. ("Hmmm... my wife just went on shopping spree, she must be whacked out on drugs and sleeping with five different men.")

It's always been fun to glance at the tabloids. Most people don't buy them.

But really, the reason this thing stuck in my mind is because of the assumption of the piece -- never spoken: If you're speaking of women and how "society" will react to them, what you're really talking about is non-women.

So: Men are control-freak maniacs who will use the foibles of Lindsey Lohan to bring you down.

Not buying it. I've seen plenty of men treat women like dirt, sure, and I've seen most blowing it off, sometimes just getting out of the situation to succeed somewhere else. I've also seen a lot of women tossing men around like a kid with a balloon. The majority of bosses in my life have been women. Some good, some bad.

And I don't have an overall point here, save maybe that, to look at the Anna Nicole affair and immediately think, "All women are taking a hit here," shows a strange focus in life.

An explanation

Anonymous Coward said...

"There sure are a lot of posts here for someone that is bailing on the blogging biz."

Which is true. At the beginning of February, I basically said, "I'm giving up." And have since not actually stopped posting.

The reason, if you'll allow a little emotional indulgence:

At the beginning of the month, I wasn't in a good mood. Money was short, I was going back into a career I didn't want to go back into, and ideas for posting here were in short supply. So I made the whiny little post that the posting was done for at least a month.

But ...

I got a little Hico time, the job is OK, and I like the people I'm working with.

My main worry was that posting here would be like my other freelance writing attempts when I've been at other newspapers -- once I got off work, I'd want life to be as illiterate as possible.

I'm still coming up with things to put down here. So I am.

My Grandpa told me:

"No Segrist man should ever make a cri de coeur without getting hisself some Hico time."

And then he'd tell me about his World War I adventures with Spanish prostitutes.

I loved my Grandpa.

Life imitates the first dirty movie I ever saw

A couple of hotties are robbing banks.

Ah, memories. It was 1978. The Harrisons next door had this new thing called "Cable". I thought it was useful primarily because it had Tom and Jerry cartoons on in the afternoon. Then the parents were away one night, and every underage boy in the neighborhood was introduced to HBO after hours.

Really, I kind of wax sentimental about it. There was glamor about the way nakedness was presented at that time. I feel sorry for the modern 8-year-old cruising the net and finding stuff that made me curl up in disgust at age 32. (Which means I don't do that stuff anymore, thanks.)

If recall the movie correctly, I hope the modern-day hottie bandits use dynamite and and have a blue-grass tape in the car for when they elude the hillbilly cops.