The Metaphorical Football League

Lead-in music queues, camera zooms into two men seated at desk. "MFL" logo behind them on TV Screen.

Announcer One: Hello and welcome back to the Metaphorical Football League. We have an early kickoff, so we’re taking you right to the first game of the day: the Vikings versus the Dolphins.

Cut to a field with a lot of obviously puppet dolphins lying there making precious squeaky noises. The horde of Vikings storms onto the field and proceeds to chop the dolphins to pieces with various pieces of medieval weaponry.

Announcer One: That was a fast game.
Color One: You know, I went out to Sea World this week, and saw a couple of dolphins tossing a little rubber football around. I gotta tell you I thought they would do better.
Announcer One: And we have an interview on the field.

Cut to field. A reporter is standing there with a Viking, who is holding a large ax, jovially talking to some other vikings.

Reporter One: Coach Skullbiter
Coach Skullbiter (Nordic accent): Yah
Reporter One: We notice that Thorn Lunderssongaaard, son of Broskander, sister-son of Hrothkin, was really tearing it up out there today. I mean, he killed a lot of helpless dolphins.
Coach Skullbiter: Yah, vell, you can always count on Thorny to play in every fight to the death like it could be his last.
Reporter One: Thanks coach. And congratulations.

Coach Skullbiter lifts ax above his head and moves to attack reporter one.

Skullbiter: AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!
Reporter (cringing in terror): AAAEEEEIIII!!!

Cut back to studio.

Announcer One: And for some highlights around the league: The Jets/Seahawks game came to a tragic end for both teams today.

Graphic shows a picture of a bird and a plane engine.

The Seahawks’ next opponents plan to change up their offense and buy one of those loud birdcall speaker thingies.

And another game, the three-team contest between the Lions, Bengal Tigers and Bears was cancelled when it was hit by what some forecasters are calling a monster-sized tornado.

Graphic pops up showing Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, both hands hitting cheeks in gesture of surprise.

Color One: Oh my.
Announcer One: And now we’ll take you to another game already in progress, the Saints versus the Cowboys ...

Cut to scene of a bunch of dudes in hats and boots shooting their guns in the air, yelling yeehaw and kicking the crap out of a bunch of guys in monks robes.

Play-by-play One: And we’d like to welcome you to the Saints and Cowboys game, and what you’re seeing has been going on for thirty minutes.
Color Two: Not a pretty sight, Bob.
Play-by-play One: You’d think that ... (Lightning flashes) Oh, it seems that the Cowboys have earned the wrath of God ...

One cowboy bursts into flame. Maybe another one is hit by a meteor or eaten by some guy in a cheap lion suit. But most of them simply grab their hearts and fall over. The monks get back up and dust themselves off.

Play-by-play One: And they’re dead.
Color Two: That keeps happening.
Play-by-play One: I think the big question is, What happens in the post season, Dan? The Saints tend to fade, and by "fade" I mean get burnt at the stake or torn apart by horses running in opposite directions.

Cut to studio.

Announcer One: Thanks guys. And before we go to our feature game of the day we have a report from the Patriots game. Last week the Texans were able to dominate the Falcons, ... (Graphic shows a bunch of big men in cowboy hats and construction gear and motorcycle jackets) ... but it seems that this week’s team ... (Graphic changes to a group including a cheerleader, an extremely fat person, and dude with a surly look and "Keep Austin Weird" T-shirt) ... has not been that strong.
Color One: Yeah, the suburbs just aren’t pulling their weight down there.
Announcer One: And now we have some footage to show you of the Browns/Charges game. (Holds hand to ear) Wait, OK, we don’t have any footage. I’ve been told the stench hospitalized our entire crew.
Color One: Shoo-eee.
Announcer One: And now we’ll take you to our featured game of the day - the Buccaneers versus the Pirates. These seem to be two evenly matched teams that have posted similar records. So it should be a real fight. Let’s go there now.

Cut to scene showing two mobs dressed like pirates rushing towards each other on a football field, screaming and brandishing knives. When they meet at the 50-yard line, they began to aggressively make out with each other, though a few pair off to admire each others’ outfits. Cut back to studio.

Announcer One: Yeah, I think we all saw that coming.
Color One: Thank God they aren’t playing the Bronchos.
Announcer One: And thanks for watching this week’s edition of the MFL, we’ll see you next week.