Strangest question on a job application (so far):

Tell about your "Favorite Food Experience."

Yeah. This is for a place where I’m hoping to stock cans of tuna after the customers have gone home. The annoying part here: I realize that what they want is some kind of cheerleadery answer with a sprinkling of Martha Stewart – "We had butter scones while antiquing in Provence and it was SO AWESOME!!!" What’s worse is that I have to hand-write it. I can type quick, but handwriting a paragraph of B.S. is strict drudgework. Blech.

I think I’m going to just write-up Thanksgiving at Gran-ma’s, only the part of Gran-ma will be played by Emeril.

And then Grandma, wearing the same glasses she always wore and with her hair in the fresh beehive hairdo she’d had forever, put down the green beans flavored with bacon. "Bam!" she yelled, as the legumes found a spot right next to the honey ham. The macaroni and cheese appeared. "Now I’m gonna turn this up!" she said, flinging pats of margarine the size of golf balls onto our traditional favorite. The whole family hooted and hollered, like utter morons.