Calling it

The Rangers are actually going to have a decent second half of the season.

Reality, Texas

VmarksTheSpot pointed to an item at the end of the Anchorwoman article about the upcoming Ty Murray's Celebrity Bull Riding Challenge, to appear on CMT later this year. For those who don't know/care, Ty Murray lives in Stephenville, about 20 miles north of Hico.

This is Stephenville's second reality TV show. Last year, the fashion channel (or someone) made a Beverly Hills hairdresser and a Stephenville barber trade places and filmed the hilarious* results. I attribute Stephenville's ability to attract reality TV shows to the fact that the town has a big fiberglass cow overlooking the town square. Trust me, you want to attract reality TV producers who are looking for a place where people yell "Yeehew", just put a big fiberglass cow next to the courthouse -- they'll come a-runnin'.

So, just counting off the top of my head here: We're filming "Anchorwoman", Jewel's husband's show, another newsroom show -- based in Odessa, Disney is filming some D/FW high schools putting together High School Musical, and earlier we had the hair dresser thing.

The nation must have an insatiable appetite for people who can make "Yup" a three-syllable word.

*Not actually hilarious.

Notes:

• Returned this weekend from a trip to Norman -- hungover and with a scratch on my forehead of a non-remembered origin. Such is the reason God made Oklahoma.
• Went to a Blue grass concert at the Fort Worth Botanical Gardens on Sunday night. The band was called "Billy and the Hillbillies." Now, I can understand the need to tailor your content towards a family kind of crowd. I don't understand the need to dance around like Don Knotts in drag and constantly make bad jokes like, "If I divorce my wife, is she still my sister?"* At the end, I realized they could have fit at least four more songs in had they just shut up for five freakin' minutes.

*To tell the truth, I liked that one.

Tasteless headline alert

This headline was at the top of an Associated Press story about Yi Jianlian, and his chances of being a star in the NBA:

"NBA's great leap forward: Yao to Yi"

As it came across the wire. Here's a quick summation of the original "Great leap forward" according to Wikipedia:

The Great Leap Forward is now widely seen, both within China and outside, as a major economic disaster, effectively being a "Great Leap Backward" that would affect China in the years to come. ... The official toll of excess deaths recorded in China for the years of the GLF is 14 million, but scholars have estimated the number of famine victims to be between 20 and 43 million. The three years between 1959 and 1962 were known as the "Three Bitter Years" ... Many local officials were tried and publicly executed for giving out misinformation.

So, while they're at it, I'd like to propose a few heads for the AP to keep on file:

• Germany creates Master Plan to put women's tennis on top
• Cleveland Indians follow 'Trail of Cheers' to pennant win
  

Thanks.

Not so much May-December as March-Mid-July

Coach, 40, marries track student, 16.

So, the feelings I will not comment on here are the ones that make me stare extra-long at women in comic books.

The feelings I will comment on are the ones that come with almost being a parent, and obviously knowing how easy it’s all going to be.

I don’t get these parents. After learning their daughter is doing is doing the hurtler stretch with the coach, they go to the school, they go to the police, they go to the courts, and then, THEY STILL SIGN THE CONSENT LETTER ALLOWING AN UNDERAGE MARRIAGE.

"Signing those consent forms was the hardest thing I did in my whole life,
but we had to move on, it was going to kill us all," Dennis said.

Uh-huh. Move on from the bad times when your daughter’s going around your back to hump the track coach to the good times when they're coming over for Thanksgiving to discuss her prom dress and his bunions.

I call shenanigans. You can always go farther. Most parents have the legal to institutionalize their kids if they have too, which you have to do if they are really “throwing their life away” as Mama says.

Anchorwoman (Hot)

The story in the Fort Worth Star-Telegram today deals with the problems when reality TV mixes with TV news (no, there is no difference, but I'm not there yet).

I'm sure the producers at Fox TV are mainly interested in the problems arising when a woman working the 5 p.m. anchor desk in Tyler, Texas, looks like this:

Stolen from Lauren Jones' web site.

I heard the original idea of the show was to film at a New York newspaper, which worked until the producers realized how newspaper people can reach amazing heights of ugly. (I'm speaking mostly of the men, who generally could turn a hot dog rancid just by looking at it. The women in most newsrooms can hold their own, tho you usually have one or two medusas.)

Anyway, the decision was made to move the show to TV, and of course, it had to be in Texas. The existence of Anchorwoman has caused much umbrage -- from journalism scholars (Ha!) to the people who work at the station, to the townspeople of Tyler, who worry they'll be depicted as bumpkins.

Three reasons why I think this thing is a bit of harmless piffle*:

Is it really that serious to have a guest worker with no experience in a news business?

No, it isn't. TV newscasts and newspapers have such people come and work for them all the time, only they're called "interns." In the past, interns and their exploits have served to humor only news professionals**. Now, the entertainment value is being brought to a grateful nation. Besides, Jones claims that she really really wants to be an anchorwoman, like "Ryan Seacrest," in my favorite quote from the story.

But what about our integrity? Our honor?

I once saw a newscast led with a story about how Sonic was serving a drink called "The Orgasm" (Outrage!), only the drink was called something else on the menu. It's just that the 16 year old girl working the counter knew what you were asking for when you asked for an orgasm (giggle). That got two minutes on the air.

Personally, I've long felt that the face we present to the public regarding our integrity and honor sets the wrong tone. Anytime something about ethics pops up, we find a couple of scolds to prattle on like a preacher out of the Scarlet Letter. The fact of the matter is that if we didn't take ourselves so honkin' seriously, we'd have some of that trust we keep talking about losing.

Honesty: "Yes, having a model on the air is publicity stunt. Yes, some things are going to go over the top, but no, we're not going to lie to you." I think that pretty much sums it up. Instead, we have people from the Society of Professional Journalists going on about how Jones doesn't have a fourth level Anchor certification and is -2 on her ability to detect falsehoods.

Tyler is the center of a proud East Texas protoculture and must not be humiliated.

I realize that, two hours from Manhattan, you can find people dancing with rattlesnakes and screaming for Gaw-Duh to keep them from getting bitten. But, no one on the East or West coast is willing to think of themselves this way, so they go to Texas.

"Texas" is just too easy a billboard to start with, and so what? The fact of the matter is we have a lot of trailer parks, a lot of people who say "I seen," and a lot of people who are still having flashbacks to the battle of Shiloh. Embrace it (the good parts, anyway).

The same Texans going on and on about how we're seen as a bunch of jackhole stereotypes by northeasterners are the also the first to say that they don't like Northeastern culture and don't want it here. So let'em think what they want. We still produce a huge number of artists, thinkers and business people who always end up on the top of their game.

*I'm pretty sure this is the first time I've ever written the word "piffle." Hooray.

** There's still a story going around Texas about the intern who told her city editor she'd do "anything" for better story assignments. It's not true, by the way.

Flooding near here.

Damn, you turn on the radio and find out that half the area is flooding. Strange day. We've spent our time doing what we normally do, but you have to worry about those people going through this disaster.

News that reflects me

Got a random e-mail on Friday. (I like random e-mail on the blog. So far, I've got two, and one of them ended with me getting a free DVD set of WKRP in Cincinnatti. )

It was from an Alex Smith of Albany, New York. Smith runs a health blog and uses some kind of doo-dad to collect news headlines related to the site, and post them down the left column.

Hence, a web site on fighting fat posts an article on Chow Yun-Fat fighting censorship in China. (Kidding, it also seems to have some good info.)

So, the suggestion was to install the news search on mine. Personally, I don't know if this is one guy or some front for guerilla marketing, and I don't care so long as it works.

Anyway, thanks to Alex (or to the good people at Acme news search).

First, tho, I need to compile a list of search words that reflect what this blog is all about. Here's what I've got so far:

• Dogs
• Beer
• Texas Tech
• Whiskey
• Metrosexual bliss
• Steamed pudding

I was thinking about "Texas" but it's too broad a topic and people might get tired of me rambling on about Muleshoe. Or maybe that's why they come here. Anyway it's too broad a topic.

As always, feel free to make suggestions.

Fantastic

VMarksTheSpot sent me Stephen Hunter's review of the latest Fantastic Four movie, tho it doesn't review the flick so much as provide a caption for this:

Hunter -- All in all, there is no all, there is no there, there is no is.

Dude, really, it can't be that bad. It has Jessica Alba playing a blonde girl.


My wife Netflixed the original Fantastic Four, and said she enjoyed it, and we talked about how all the bad reviews had lowered expectations so much that it was hard not to enjoy the movie.


Basically, so long as Fantastic Four 1 wasn't four hours of Michael Chiklis trying to pick his nose through a rubber suit, it would have beaten the expectations people had for it. I get the feeling part II may be the same way.


And I'm thinking Hunter might need some rest. The other week he went to Pirates of the Caribbean III and couldn't stop gushing about how much fun it was.


Stay with us, Hunter ... Stay With Us.


On another note:

Anyone else getting bored with news sites putting so many links in their copy that it screws up the flow? Something everyone learned in graphics school: Underlining and putting copy in a different color is the same as all-caps and exclamation points. In Hunter's review, the Post puts in links in to JOHN WAYNE!, ENGLAND! and IOWA! among others. It's the reading equivalent of driving down a street and seeing a major accident every five seconds. Honestly, Mr. Washington Post, I can google or dog pile. I don't need the help.

*Sorry about the formatting, but I can't figure it out and I need to get to work.

Headline

Spears asks fans to name her new album

In related news:

Lohan asks fans to pick next disease.

And

Hilton asks cell block to name her either "blondie" or "Li'l' Cheese."

Everyone will jump on this, just had to get my shots in.

Geographical drinking games

Here's a chart in "The Economist" that shows drinking per capita*.

I don't believe it, as Russia does not make the top five. How the hell does that happen? The country exports vodka, brides, and vodka-soaked brides, and yet somehow they get beat by Czecho-whatever-it-is?

UPDATE: On second thought, I really don't have anything against the Russians. Putin's just kind of been making me crazy.

I also don't believe there is a country called Moldova, and think they're making it up.

*Good stuff from Todd TM

The Pud'n Adventure

A cooking story with illustrations.

So, I've made brownies from scratch. Pie with homemade crusts. Cake with with this greasy, plastic-looking icing. And, after putting together a quite masculine and tasty bread pudding, I was beginning to wonder about the more exotic desserts in my wife's cookbook (Betty Crocker, circa 1970).

It was at this time that I stumbled across a recipe called "Steamed Molasses Pudding."

Hmmm ... "Steamed MOE-lasses Pudding. Sounds very interesting and Marlboro-Man like. And the sauce calls for whiskey."

I already had the ingredients, except for the whiskey, a situation I rectified by buying about 200 times more than the teaspoon the recipe calls for.

Things ground to a halt when the instructions told me to "pour batter into a four-cup mold." Never heard of a four-cup mold. I imagined it had something to do with jello, but that didn't make sense.

So I went to Linens n things. Bed Bath and Beyond. Williams and Sonoma. The gun section of Academy Sporting Goods. Nothing. No one knew what I was talking about. I was becoming obsessed, in a way that has nothing to do with the displaced mania of being three months away from baby time and having no idea what's gonna happen with the job situation.

What was Betty Crocker thinking (circa 1970)?

I finally turned to E-Bay and found out that, while four-cup pudding molds were all the rage in the 1970s, they aren't dominating the marketplace today. I stumbled across one while in an antique shop. Here's what a four-cup mold looks like (circa 1970):

I bought it, with a full feeling of relief. It was at this point that my wife noted it looked like it was fully made of copper, that copper corrodes in water and that there was "No way I'm going to put metal into my bloodstream ... NO," she said, while looking into the pantry.

Or maybe not, but I had this picture.

Back to the search. I finally gave in and googled it. It led me here.

I went to the link for King Arthur flour. It's my favorite as the package has a knight brandishing a sword. The product was described:

Pudding Mold - Quart
For moist, rich, old-fashioned desserts and bread

• Holds 1 quart (4 cups) batter

Bingo. Didn't have a picture, so I took a leap of faith and ordered. (Total cost $15 or so.)

One week later, the little package of steamed joy arrived:

Though the package wasn't that little. Here's the box it came from.

They had room to smuggle a couple of sheep dog puppies in there.

Not to go too far into the technical details: I proceeded to make the batter, put it in the mold, and boil it. Here's the final result.


Tasty. Next time I probably won't go with molasses. The sauce, however, is pretty good by itself.

Angry statement, Tuesday

Brought to my attention by Todd ...

Despite the near-unanimous opposition in the state legislature to the use of speed cameras, the Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) is moving forward on a proposal to deploy photo radar on state highways using federal gas tax funds. Legislation awaiting Governor Rick Perry's signature prohibited only municipalities -- like Marble Falls and Rhome -- from installing automated speeding ticket systems.

Time-distance ticketing systems use multiple cameras spaced far apart on a freeway. Each car is photographed once as it enters the first section of road. Miles later a second photograph is taken that allows the vehicle's average speed to be calculated from the time it took to travel between the two locations.

Todd adds: "It makes me want to move to Vegas to pursue a career in poker even more. I hope Perry doesn't sign the bill....no, I PRAY he doesn't."

(I left out the cussing.)

And I'll back up the opposition. The problem is that it isn't about safety. The main thing they want to emphasize is the fact that the cameras bring in the money. People pretty much like the way the state patrols the highways now. You can go a little over the speed limit if you don't want a ticket, a lot if you decide not to care.

The machines will send you a ticket if you're so much as THREE MILES OVER the limit.

And one of the testing areas will be on highway 6, which of course, goes through Hico.

I call shenanigans. The fact of the matter is that speeding does not cause accidents. Driving around in an old pickup with an angry dog and drunk girlfriend, yelling "Yahoo! Yahoo!" and shooting bullets through the cab ceiling causes accidents. I think we all know that.

The communists are winning.

Rahr beer -- Give it a shot

Just saying, good stuff.

When the brewery started business in Fort Worth, they had volunteers working at the factory.

Like Bueno Heads, only with dignity and a sense of self-worth.

I'm currently working my way down the offerings. Just finished off a pack of the amber. The blonde lager is the best I've ever had. And I don't exaggerate about beer.

UPDATE: Wow. I went to the web site as far as finding locations where you can buy it, and they only list wholesalers. So, if you don't need a truckload, I've generally found the beer at Central Market and Majestic Liquors. I recall seeing it for sale in Abilene, so it's probably all over the place.

UPDATE II: I gotta say I think it's the best widely distributed Texas beer I've had. I have a deep affection for Shiner, and I don't want to bring up the whole Lone Star thing again, so I'll just say this is my favorite beer right now.

Parental outrage moment

I should first say that there is no way anyone will ever top the fire-fighting doggie.

A story in the ContraCosta Times focuses on a new trend in baby T-shirts:

Among them: onesies that proclaim your offspring a "Playground Pimp," "Bad Ass" or "Boob Man"; long-sleeved tees that promise "Someday, I'll get trashed at prom"; and T-shirts that trumpet your newborn's admiration for Charles Bukowski, the alcoholic counter-culture writer, which includes a picture of him drinking from a flask.

Other messages include: "He thinks he's my daddy" and "Mama drinks because I cry".

Maybe it's the first episode of me losing my sense of humor because of parental feelings, but I also gotta admit I've always been sickened by some people's tendency to use their children the same way Carrot Top uses props. They're humans, they aren't billboards for your jokes or another way to express yourself. They're going to have enough trouble figuring out how to express themselves, they don't need to deal with your overwrought need to show your rage against the machine.

Sick bastards. (Also available.)

The most brilliant insight into sports coverage I've read this decade

And the decade's getting close to done.

Jeff Pearlman of ESPN.com, after Gary Sheffield made his "Black people are disappearing in baseball because Latinos are easier to handle" comment, and the responding vapors being had by the reporters who got him to say it in the first place:

"This is how it's worked in the sports media for eons: We bitch and moan that players are little more than mantra-spewing robots. We long for a guy who'll speak his mind. We find a guy who speaks his mind. We rush toward him. He speaks his mind. He's a dangerous moron who says inane things like, "Where I'm from, you can't control us" and "If you're equally good as this Latin player, guess who's going to get sent home?" We excitedly work our butts off to try to coerce him to say even more inane things (Oldest trick of the trade: Start with softball questions, transition slyly into the hard stuff). He does. Then we hang him."

Of course, he prefaces this with a whole lot of "I know Sheffield, and Sheffield is a moron" statements, which is more than likely true.

I can now only wish someone will note that we cover politics in the same way -- only those people are less moronic and more slimeball.

At the graduation of A&M Consolidated High School, 2007

Relation: Second-oldest nephew

Start time 7 p.m., Texas A&M University coliseum thing, College Station

6 p.m.: Graduate’s father shows up early, reserves chairs for family by placing cards on empty seats. Another parent plops herself down in the middle of the saved seats and refuses to move. Much vociferous conversation ensues.

6:45 p.m.: Family shows up. Witness arrival of a security guard called by the family behind us, also angry about the reserved seats. "I’m not messing with reserved seats stuff," he says, and walks away. Feeling lucky to possess what must be the most awesome seats in the world, we sit back and get ready for the ceremony.

6:58 p.m.: The welcome. Entire crowd responds with "Whoop!"
(Sheesh, Aggies.)

7:20 p.m.: We are 15 minutes into "Pomp and Circumstance" and the seats aren’t even a third full. Ho boy.

Highlights of the student speeches:

"We can’t wait to blow this town."

"As soon as you’re born, your future is in front of you for the rest of your life."

"It doesn’t make sense to us, and it doesn’t make sense to anyone else."

7:45 p.m.: The diploma-giving commences. The first to receive her diploma wears a head scarf and each part of her name starts with the letter "A". The world is changing. It used to be the Amy Andersons who were always the first in line. No more.

7:48 p.m.: I wonder what’ll happen to Acie Law in the NBA?

7:51 p.m.: We’re on the "Bs".

7:53 p.m.: I should stop looking at my watch.

Sometime after 8 p.m.: The first beach ball appears, an open act of rebellion against authority, cheered on by the class, and quickly joined by two other beach balls. Eventually picked up. Students warned by principal for the last time in their lives to behave.

8:30ish: About half the boys who get their diploma do a slow strut across the stage. Mixed feelings. Acting formal means you understand something big is happening, you’ll remember it as something important. On the other hand, I like the attitude, because I think it is cool.

8:45ish: Watch my nephew get his diploma. We take our allotted three seconds to clap and yell. He’s graduated with honors, has his college and college roommate picked out, and is otherwise the picture of happy calm. Nothing like me. I was a shell of anger and sarcasm over a whimpering 7-year-old girl.

8:50ish: Adults start to give their speeches. Snooooooze.

9 p.m.: There seems to be some confusion as to when to throw the cap. It’s after the school song, kiddoes. Always after.

9:15ish: We head home for cookies and a couple of beers.

Everybody thinks about what they’d say if they ever got the opportunity to give a commencement address. I’d just like to have the opportunity to respond to the speeches made:

Chances are you believe that this place, where your parents scratched out a living and did their best for you, is the most boring place on earth, populated with some of the stupidest people. I hope for your success, and I hope that it doesn’t take you too long to figure out that you can’t do much better than hang out with the friends you’ve made in College Station, Lubbock, Denton or whatever place you call home. Don’t drink and drive.

Alas poor Hico, for I knew thee well ...

Last weekend, Hico had its annual "Texas Steak Cookoff and Tourist Trap" event. Yes that's a joke.

The preview in the Fort Worth Star-Telegram started with the line:

"Face it. Hico is hot."

Dang it. My favorite place on earth is becoming cool to the Texas crowd. Fredericksburg cutesiness can't be far behind.

Pig debatin'

So I saw this at work today:

From AP

"Stone made news last week when the world learned of his massive kill, a 1,051-pound feral hog, which he shot eight times with a pistol on a hunting preserve in eastern Alabama. But the young man soon found himself in a media maelstrom when some Web sites questioned the veracity of the photographs."

And just to add to the conversation as this makes it's way around the internet: The boy was right in what he did do.


I'm not much for hunting. Don't like to see bunnies and doves go into their death shudder. But I don't have a problem with people who do. It usually turns into good eating.


My point here, though, is that shooting this sucker kind of transcends the normal ethics of hunting. I heard one girl at work mention that this hog took three hours to die, and it was most likely not a happy death.


On the other hand, something this big, out in the wild, is going to be a menace to everything around it. Imagine taking the dogs for a walk, and you run into one of these suckers. Do you think anyone's getting out of that one unscathed?


I therefore side for the killing of the giant pigs, with extreme prejudice.


Also, I like bacon.

Winner: Most random search award

I check my site counter every day for a couple of reasons:

• I'm a loser.
• It's cool to see who's stopping by.
• Who the hell do I know in Chicago?

The counter service I have keeps track of the searches that led people here. The photo I posted of Paris Hilton dragged in God knows how many people.

But most of the searches are pretty mundane -- "Hico journalist", "Hico newspaper" -- and stumbling in here probably does nothing but piss most people off.

My love of the Outfield keeps bringing folks in, I've had about a dozen hits from people who searched "i cant believe the things that happen to me".

But, on Tuesday, we had a visitor who came in after searching for... "Hico gas saw".

Hico. Gas. Saw. What is that? I could understand it if some dude in Hico was searching for power tools, but Hiconians avoid this site like the plague. I haven't even had traffic from towns close to Hico.

And when the hell did I write about Gas Saws in the Hamilton County area? *

Wierd.

*Yes, I realize I could google it. I'm not in the mood.

And otherwise...
Haven't had time to be active here for a while, so I've had a few posts stacking up in my head. Will have more in the near future.

RiffTrax: One of God's high quality gifts

For anyone out there who loved Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Rexmous posted about RiffTrax earlier this month. The premise is -- well, there is no premise. Mike Nelson, head writer and eventual host of MST3K, has recorded MP3 files to go with movies. You play the files in synch with the movies, and proceed to laugh, if you have any kind of sense of humor whatsoever.

I put "Star Wars: Episode 1" at the top of my NetFlix queue, and had my first experience with it last night. Good stuff. The file consisted of Nelson and the guy who played servo the robot, basically doing the same thing they've always done and being funny about it.

In some ways, it's better than MST3K:

• Since they no longer have to buy royalties for movies, they can do whatever they want.
• The format gives them more freedom than they had with the old show, where they had to keep up the premise of Mike stranded in space with his robots, and shoe everthing into the same time format.

It's not perfect either. You can tell the guys don't have the same kind of support they used to have. 87 jokes about Jar Jar sucking your will to live is a bit much -- especially considering we all knew the character was a somewhat lacking, a somewhat racist, a somewhat huge sign of George Lucas refusing to care anymore, back in the last millenium.

And you can imagine that keeping a movie and accompanying MP3 file synchronized can be annoying. The MP3 kept getting ahead of the movie soundtrack, so I'd have to pause it every now and then to let the movie catch up.

They do have audio cues on the track to help you keep things in synch. There's also a program you can download if you watch the movie on the computer. No idea if it works, but I'll probably give it a try.

And it wasn't that much of a problem anyway. The comedy was good enough that I didn't care about the minor technical difficulties.

Obviously, this stuff costs money, between $3 and $2. Yeah, that'll be a huge to burden to all y'all, but do your best to cope.

I don't really have a "thumbs up" kind of slogan to sign off with here. So ... it's good. hooray.